Dear Diary

[Lia]

"If I told you that I loved you, would you think there's something wrong?"

I guess I am selfish in a way, so caught up in being afraid to get hurt that I haven't really thought about the other side of the philotical bond. My fingers feel connected in a strange webbing that I find hard to decipher, Jane could tell, Jane would tell me if every word is true. Oh, I'm going mad, my Cheshire cat, but yet again, I'm insane in a rainbow unicorn way that doesn't have to link to robot. Words are games, like board games but more complicated, and there's always that odd word that scribbles along like a gummy worm, unable to find its place. Because what would a gummy worm be doing on a chess board? I've always told myself that even if I feel like a meaningless pawn, I will one day be somebody's queen, but right now I feel like the only piece of a 204 squared lonely piece of dry heart.

Waiting is the hardest thing I will ever do. Sitting around, seeing as somebody you care for is sad, angry, frustrated and unlike the way that somebody is usually, is heartbreaking. You wish you could see them smile, but Jane won't help you there. Jane can't, cause in this parallax, the universe doesn't exist. Cardboard box stuck inside a planetarium, enjoying how our lonely souls float by as ghosts.

I wish I could go back to the egg and those dreams, those terrible haunting dreams that have chased me for years. I wish that man hadn't come into my life and made me think that all men are treacherous pigs. I wish I could trust, because at the core of the webbing I believe in him. I wonder, does he believe in me?

I'll dive my way through, but the giant's stride is the first move, and it's a leap that I won't be starting. Not this time, no. I can't have my heart broken like that. Not again. I'll leave the door open, but I won't invite him in.

I will take you for everything, if you take me for who I am. Smile for me as I pull you to my chest and take away all your thoughts.